I went running yesterday morning on this lovely bike path by the river. It was a cathartic experience. I was listening to my ipod when a song by Shania Twain came on. I wasn't expecting the emotional response that came with it. She talks about someone who is no longer in her life and starts the song with "Hope life's been good to you since you've been gone." She had me right there. I started crying. Then she goes on and says "I'm over the worst and I feel so alive...I can't complain...I'm free again..." Then comes the ironic part. "And it only hurts when I'm breathing....my heart only breaks when it's beating..."
Here I was running down the path with tears streaming down my face. I passed several people who acknowleged me and I tried to offer a hello and a smile, but I'm pretty sure they thought I was crazy.
I've never experienced anything quite like this pain before. I've lost both of my grandpa's, which was hard. But they were both older and it was almost a relief when they passed on because they were moving on to a better place.
With Christian (I'm using his real name, I'm such a rebel) it's like he died but he didn't go to a better place. He went to live with an ex-felon who has a history of domestic violence, alcohol/drug abuse, has *EVIL* tatood onto his hand, and likes to brag about the size of his ______. He won't allow Christian to have any contact with us whatsoever. He took him to live in California and that's that.
It's been so hard to deal with. I've grieved a lot, and just when I think I'm all cried out, something will trigger a huge emotional response. I worry so much about how he's doing and what he's feeling, and whether he thinks we've just abandoned him.
If you're the praying type, would you please offer up a prayer for him today?
